Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
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I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
any last words?
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea