They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
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No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
All. The. Damn. Time.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married