[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
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Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car