All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
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WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Death certificates are our last participation award.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.