me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
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[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
In Canada they just call them geese
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
When you can’t find your friend Neil
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse