[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
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wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.