it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
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If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper