I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
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Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Care for your back
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now