I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
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not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this: