You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
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There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.