My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
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I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting