The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
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when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?