1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
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The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
This headline is a thing of beauty
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor