It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
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A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.