Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
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sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
the three branches of government
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast