Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
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If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund