I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
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Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”