Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
You Might Also Like
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.