“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
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The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.