My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
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Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k