genie: please no
millipede: more legs
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me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
sigh
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.