I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
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Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.