If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
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Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT