He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
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shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
#SuperBowl
How to find Kentucky on a map
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.