Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
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[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
This guy’s not having it 😆
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed