The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
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[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
The Wolf of Wall Street.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.