My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
You Might Also Like
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.