Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
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When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!