That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
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Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
constantly working on myself.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh