I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
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I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
“That’s what” – She
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]