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If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
quarantine day 3
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?