[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
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Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.