so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
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Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind