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get you a girl who
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.