This is my brand.
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*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.