what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
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I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
When you let grandma cat sit
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons