me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
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RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Quadruple digit IQ