Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
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I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Happens to everyone.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
I would like even faster food.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story