My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
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I’d walk over cotton balls for you
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
this came to me in a vision
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now