I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
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It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.