“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
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I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
guys I’m going home
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils