Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
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If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Breaking news:
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Wait a second…
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!