*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
You Might Also Like
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
We found love in a hopeless place.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.