Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
You Might Also Like
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
huge if true: the moon
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I’m being attacked 😭
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.