Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
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Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
me, too, girl. me, too.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.