Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
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It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁