[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
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I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
seems like a niche market
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it