Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
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An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Bill is short for Billiam
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.