Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
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For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.