Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
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Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby